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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 26, 2012 13:34:02 GMT -5
A REDWALL FAN-FIC: BOOK 1
THE NORTH-LAND'S CASTLE
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 26, 2012 13:35:04 GMT -5
Chapter 1: Keita Swiftfoot the Vixen
Keita had been walking for a long time, but she would not rest till she reached her goal........Redwall Abbey......... The vixen smiled as she recalled memories, Friends ,Family and Food! Ding-Dong-Ding-Dong Keita started running towards the sound, there it was Redwall Abbey.
“AHOY! Are ye Friend, Foe! or Food?" Keita smiled then started laughing.
“Is that a Great big Pudden-headed Stream-dog Named Skipper Arfell?"
Then there was a booming laugh and the gates opened, before the Vixen had set one paw inside the gate, she had been seized in a crushing hug of joy from her buddy.
" Get off of me! Afore ye squeeze me to death!"
Then she fell to the ground, then she looked up into the face of a huge Otter. The otter had a apologetic look on his face. " I didn't hurt ye did I mate? we gave up hope of seeing you again, we thought you were........"
Keita looked up knowing what he meant. " If I don't get food soon you won't be able to hug me to death Skip!"
Just then the Abbey doors opened and dibbuns came pouring out. Just before they made it to the pair ,Keita took off towards the Kitchen. " Good Grief was that the Rascal Keita Swiftfoot? I thought she had perished long ago!" A Mouse came walking over staring in disbelief. Skipper replied slowly " We all did, yes we did." ***************************************** Keita looked at the Abbot. " No Father I'm not here to stay.... I'm going to the north-lands as soon as I get Provisions and Rested, I'm going Father Abbot."
The Abbot sighed, it had been to good to be true. of course she wouldn't stay, she never had. The abbot walked out of the room and then came back carrying Martins Sword. " Then take this with you my child... But don't forget to stay a while longer see your old Friends."
OOC: Will post more chapters soon
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 26, 2012 14:32:42 GMT -5
Please post on the chapters as I post!
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 26, 2012 16:23:32 GMT -5
Anyone can Critique or say what they think about it!
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 27, 2012 7:21:48 GMT -5
Chapter 2: Old and New Friends
Keita had been searching for a while she had been trying to find her old friends nothing had changed much since she left, when she ran straight into a young mouse.
“ Will you watch where your going?! Hey… I haven’t seen you round here my names Kess!”
The young mouse brushed her red skirt and looked at Keita and said.
“ Where did you get that scar? Is the stripe fake what’s your name?” Keita decided she liked this mouse and started walking down the hall with the mouse.
“ My name is Keita Swiftfoot I was raised here but not while you were here. The scar is from a battle with a wildcat. Is Fishtail and Tannsrall still here?”
Kess nodded and started walking towards the Kitchen “ You’ll probably find Fishtail here. Say I’ve got a Idea here’s what were gonna do…”
Sure enough the plan was fantastic, Kess walked into the kitchen and sitting on the counter was Fishtail Dirkslash eating a pie. “ Fishtail get your lousy face out of that pie right now or you won’t be able to see Keita Swiftfoot!”
Fishtail bounded off the counter and raced to the door pie in hand and saw Keita standing there he slowed to a walking pace. “ Why if it isn’t Keita! I’m starting to think your doing this on purpose going away waiting till we think your dead and then show up anyways, want some pie?”
Keita laughed and took a slice of pie, and began walking with Fishtail and Kess down to the pond to find Tanns.
“ Is Tannsrall still here? If he is, my guess is that he’s down by the pond am I right Mateys?”
Fishtail Laughed as she tried to sound like a pirate and began running down to the pond yelling back.
“ Yes he is! Last one down is a Pokey Snail!”
Keita and Kess began running Keita surpassed Kess and Fishtail, and Kess passed Fishtail, because Fishtail Dirkslash was trying not to drop his pie. “ Hey Fishtail and Kess…… Keita! I knew you hadn’t passed through the dark gates yet!”
Keita once again was seized in a grip from her friend.
“ Tanns ye grew mate lemme go! Shiver me timbers yer stonger!”
Tannsrall Seapaw dropped Keita to look at her and try to glare at her but ended up smiling at her happily. Just then the bells rang and The young people all started walking and chattering on they’re way to the Feast.
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Post by Otus Shortwing on Oct 27, 2012 15:46:36 GMT -5
You've really improved since the first story I read from you! I love the way Keita greeted the Skipper, and how everybeast reacts to finding out she's still alive. Happy homecoming! ;D For dialogue, though, you don't need to put spaces between the quotation marks (") and the first letter in the quote. Some spots have spaces and some don't, so it's just something to watch out for for consistency. Watch out for commas, too. They need to be right after a letter with a space after them, instead of having them against the next word in the sentence. So, and You also capitalize a lot of seemingly random words within a sentence (the letter at the beginning of the sentence has to be capitalized, of course, I'm just talking about the middle of the sentence right now). The reader will often think they're supposed to place emphasis on a word if it's capitalized in an unusual spot, so when it's in the middle of a sentence and it's something like Provisions, Idea, or The, it can be confusing. If you use capitals only once in a while in the midst of a sentence, they'll carry more of a punch, so see how things look next time if you try cutting down on some unneeded capitals. That's all for grammar, but I had another comment on one part of the plot. It seems strange that the Father Abbot would offer Keita Martin's sword. Generally the sword is only given to a very special beast who will protect the abbey, and Keita plans to take it away from the abbey for unknown reasons. Additionally, she's a fox, and let's face it, everybeast in Redwall is species-ist. Do you think it's really very likely that the Abbot would hand off the abbey's most cherished treasure to a member of a vermin species, even if she is supposedly good and grew up in the abbey? Remember how wary they were of Veil Sixclaws in "Outcast of Redwall", even though he grew up in the abbey, too. It's interesting to have your character wield a special weapon, but remember the reader is also suspending their disbelief for you--if you do too many improbable things, you might lose their belief in your story. They need a logical explanation for why the unlikely thing happened in order to keep believing. All in all though, great work, Keita, I've seen a lot of improvement from when you first started! It was very readable and the dialogue was engaging--I want to know what happens next. ;D I have added 12 CCs to your dorm total for chapters 1 and 2.
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 27, 2012 16:28:36 GMT -5
WOW! 12ccs! gotta love cliff hangers!
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 27, 2012 16:29:09 GMT -5
Kess was Kunns character she made for it
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 27, 2012 16:55:05 GMT -5
Chapter 3: The reason behind the sword.
Keita and Kess were seated beside each other and Tannsrall and Fishtail were opposite, then it was time for the blessing. “Food and flowers, Birds and bees May us always be thankful these! And let us thank the wonderful cooks who spent night and day to bring us food." Then the Abbot said “ I now name this season Fall of the Returned Warrior!” Then the feast began there was ever so much food, pies and pudding, pasties and cakes and a huge salad! Keita smiled and started eating when the badger mum came over and whispered “The abbot wants to see you four over by the tapestry.” Keita nodded and stood up and motioned to the other three and walked towards where the tapestry was. As they entered the room the abbot turned to them and spoke quietly.
“Now my child I shall explain why I gave you the sword of Martin the Warrior. The day before you came back I was walking in this hall and sat down by the Tapestry and soon fell asleep and Martin the warrior came to me and said this Watch for the Vixen, the sunset behind her she will return and tell her this. My sword is hers to guard and keep to aid her quest to do what’s right in my name. The castle is in the land she seeks a enemy awaits her a monster will try to harm her when a squirrel she tries to save, the kingdom is in need of her help and others too. A Vixen who will wield my sword, a loud mouthed mouse will aid her to, a rat whom likes pie and a otter who will try to glare but laugh instead go forth Abbot and give her my sword! And then he disappeared and I woke up and forgot about it until you walked through the gates.” The abbot pointed at four sacks of traveling food, Keita looked as though she would cry but went and got the sack and motioned to the rest to grab theirs and bowed to the abbot before leaving saying. “I will make Martin proud father and will not fail." and with that walked out the door followed by Fishtail, Kess and Tannsrall. towards the North-lands, the Abbot looked towards the tapestry.
"Martin please keep them safe." Then went back to the feast.
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Post by Otus Shortwing on Oct 27, 2012 17:15:38 GMT -5
Ah, awesome! Some good old abbey feasting and poems and visits from Martin the Warrior! Now it all makes sense why the abbot gave her the sword. ;D This chapter seems very authentic--it's very much like what often happens in the actual books. You've done a great job capturing the spirit of Redwall. The poem from Martin the Warrior seems a little jumbled, though, so I would go back through and add a little more punctuation, and possibly some more line breaks if it really is meant to be a poetic riddle. Keep watching out for that pesky punctuation! You need to use periods, exclamation marks, or question marks for hard stops, instead of commas. It's a pain sometimes, but using all the right punctuation makes your story that much more readable. Great job, Keita. I'm rating this chapter on a scale of 0-10 CCs since it's shorter. 7 CCs have been added to your total (so that's like 14 CCs if I was using the 0-20 scale).
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Oct 27, 2012 17:20:32 GMT -5
Kay! oh! Newbie guy looking to join YAY!!
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Nov 9, 2012 18:20:15 GMT -5
Chapter 3: Burfle, Brookfill and Ardilla
Keita and her crew knew what had to be done, they had to heed Martin the Warrior, Keita sighed and thought All we know is that some castle or the other is under attack and some monster is going to try to hurt me and we don’t even know where we are going! Grr…..
What she didn’t know is she had growled aloud and silenced two pairs of eyes that were very familiar. Two old friends by the names of Burfle and Brookfill A Squirrel and a Otter
“ Well…. She looks familiar but I definitely know the others…. Tanns, Kess and Fishtail but the other looks just like…. It’s Keita!!! Keita Swiftfoot.”
The Otter yelled as she finished what she was saying, Burfle silenced her and crept forward to see for himself. He to recognized her and shook his head in disbelief as the golden vixen passed then stepped out .
“ Well I didn’t believe at first but It most definitely is her. What do you think about paying a visit tonight Brooky?”
Then Brooky nodded and replied back.
“ I think so too…. Let’s pay a visit a camp, wherever they camp at least.”
It was a dark and cold mist night you could hear the owls hunting. Brooky and Burfle crept into camp and stirred up the fire and watched as Keita woke up and grabbed her knife then recognized them and yelled.
“ WHY! If isn’t ole Burfle and Brooky! Me old DAB leader of the Clever Clan Burfle!”
Her laughing woke up the others and a happy reunion they had a small meal together and chatted away the night. The morning brought a icy cold wind and a light frost on the ground and a beautiful mist everywhere around the small group they had stayed up rather late at night and were tired. Keita was the first one up she threw water on the fire and gathered up her stuff and woke the others then heard a light noise on the ground took a quick glance behind her and sighed quietly.
“ Really Ardilla you should have come last night when we were partying and enjoying ourselves and not when we were getting ready to leave and stuff.”
Ardilla Romano for that is who she was looked at the others gathered round waking up and shook her head.
“I Just found you here, thought you wouldn’t be this far up north though you have to travel hard to get up there.”
Kess, Fishtail,Tanns and Keita started right away with Ardilla right beside Keita marching Northwards direction with a stalker in the back with no-one knowing who it was or how it had found them and little did they know what they were to discover when they got to their destination. They were un-prepared for it at all.
“ Keita the Abbot sent me to find you and help you along the way so that’s why I’m here.”
Ardilla said quietly to Keita as they walked along the path as silently as they could, and looked back at Kess and Fishtail as Kess was being a loud-mouth and yelled at Fishtail and Fishtail Protested against the Accusations Kess threw at him…. Verbally for the better at least for Fishtail Keita thought laughing inside as they fought over something just totally wrong…. Over who get’s to carry the piece of wood that Keita had tossed back to them to carry then Keita yelled.
“ Stop you two! There’s plenty more wood in the forest!”
So they stopped their quarreling and kept on walking they were almost there…. At least they thought they were.
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Post by asalynn on Nov 9, 2012 20:07:54 GMT -5
Beautiful Story so many cliff hangers! a good idea to make a fan-fiction you know!
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Post by Otus Shortwing on Nov 9, 2012 21:04:29 GMT -5
I liked your descriptions in this one, Keita. Describing the frost and the mist makes me feel like I should put on a thick cloak and some mittens. ;D
A thing you might want to watch out for is run-on sentences. A sentence runs on when it should be separated by punctuation of some kind. If you read through a sentence and find yourself pausing in certain spots, that pause is probably a place where something like a comma or a period needs to go.
Your story is coming along well! I have added 9 CCs to your dorm total for this chapter.
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Nov 18, 2012 7:26:14 GMT -5
Chapter 3: Yet another friend, Kendra
Keita and Ardilla were still talking in low tones, Keita glanced back and looked a bit sad she started to recognize this place… she had been taken on this path a long time ago by Skipper when she was just a kit. Now Kess really deep down inside wondered why when Keita had come back how they had all talked about stuff then she reached back in her memory trying to remember what she had heard. Back at the Abbey *************************************************** “ Poor Fox maid remember what Skipper told us about where he had found her?” Kess heard the Friar say to one of his helpers, then the Hedgehog replied. “ Yes I do… what a terrible thing to do!.” **************************************************** That’s it! I need to know if I don’t I will explode! Kess then marched up to the front to confront Keita Swiftfoot and figure out what they had been talking about. “Keita Swiftfoot! Please can you tell me something?” Keita looked funny for a second then laughed and said while laughing. “ Well if you tell me maybe I can!” Kess smiled back at Keita and then asked rather sympathetically. “Where did you come from? You have always had a sad look in your eyes….like you had a very terrible hurt that you can’t get rid of… what is it? What happened?” Keita’s smile quickly disappeared and the look entered her eyes again before she could speak up though another voice answered. “I can tell yer Kess! Well well if it ain’t Me ole pal Keita Swiftfoot the Vixen! And what has been keeping you?” It was Kendra the Weasel, Keita shook her head slowly no and said to Kess. “ When we make camp for the night then you will know… Kendra why don’t you join us?” Kendra gladly joined the ranks and Keita turned and counted off to Ardilla. “ Fishtail, Tanns, Kess, Burfle, Brooky, Kendra, you Ardilla and Me. That makes Eight of us!” Ardilla nodded and looked back and smiled darkly and turned back to Keita and said. “ You Forgot the Five Foxes following us…… Eight Plus Five Equals Thirteen of us!” Keita looked at Ardilla then Kess in alarm and said to Ardilla. “ But Kess has never fought before! She dead meat for sure! If they get to her.. and I would hate for her to be killed and have to tell the Abbot about it!” Ardilla then realized in horror that Kess was on the outskirts of the group and one of the Foxes was about to grab her and run then she yelled with all her might. “ HAWAY THE BRAW!!!!!!!!!!! ROMANO HERE!!!!!! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK MATES!!!!!! HAWAY THE BRAW!!!!!!!!!!!” With that she jumped into the middle of the brawl and Keita followed her, Ardilla was laughing hysterically as she swung her sword at one and all the others minus Kess and Tannsrall jumped in…. it made short work of the robber band. That night as they sat around a camp fire, they went over what had happened and then Keita turned to Kess and Said to her. “ Now you shall know more about me Kess.”
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