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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Nov 19, 2012 18:13:01 GMT -5
Could some one else beside Otus post here? any one???? ( Any beast I mean!) So hurry up and post what you think and VOTE!!!!
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Post by Otus Shortwing on Nov 19, 2012 18:37:44 GMT -5
I like the tension you put into this chapter--first Kess asks for Keita's story, then they're interrupted and have to wait until the end of the chapter to get back to it. I can see a nice lead-in to the next chapter too, where Keita will reveal her past. Your sentence structure is looking much better! I'm adding 8 CCs to your dorm total, since this chapter is shorter.
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Nov 20, 2012 6:47:27 GMT -5
Chapter 4: Keita and Ardilla's Past
"A while ago Kess my story began." Kess stared at keita intently. *********************************************** A new fox maid had just been born, a small golden furred one with a silver stripe, but none of these strange marks mattered to the enraged Cheiftain Malfinus Swiftfoot as he vented at his wife. " Only 3 kits and one of them is a female! a runt to be exact! how could you do this to me!!!" He stormed out leaving Yuna his mate in the tent breathing heavily, she looked at him and Yelled back at him. " She will kill you one day! and be Chieftain!!! I swear this now!" Yuna laid back again exhausted her last bitty bit of strength to yell at her mate. She looked at her only female and stroked her softly and murmured softly. "Yes you will rule, you are different than the rest.....Keita." ********************************************* Keita was growing fast and no one else knew about the Chieftains evil plans, she was only a few seasons old and could barley walk but she was growing faster and might catch up to the rest of the litter. If only some one knew about the evil plans for them. **************************************** Keita broke down sobbing and was unable to finish it so Ardilla took over for her. ********************************************* So, one day the Chieftain took Yuna and said to her softly as if he had forgiven her but he hadn't. "Let's go down to the Stream, bring Keita with you." Alas, Yuna had no knowledge of any thoughts of hate for her in her mates mind, and thought it was just kindness. She went down to the stream and brought Keita with her and said to her mate. " What is it?" It was the work of a moment, her head lay in the stream and Keita stared in horror. The memory would never leave her collection of memory, it was burned into her and wouldn't leave, all of a sudden. "You Filthy Murderer!" A giant otter leapt out of the water, he hadn't seen Keita. He hit the evil Chieftain and the fox's head snapped backwards and the Chieftain's reign was over he was dead, then Keita let out a whimper. The Skipper turned around and ran over to the stream, 5 season old Keita was over at her dead mother's body and was trying to get her up and wake her. "Poor liddle orphan. What a filthy murderer your father was.. poor liddle orphan." He called the rest of his crew over as they came into sight and picked Keita up and carried her all the way back to Redwall Abbey. ******************************************* "There ye are Kess." Kess looked at Keita in horror of what had happened but then Curiosity took over and she looked at Ardilla and said. "What about you? where did you come from?" Ardilla settled back and started to tell her story.... every beast listened intently minus Keita who already knew who she was and all. ************************************************ "Finally let me see my children!" The squirrel king came in and halted as he saw his sable daughter and her brownish red brothers. "WHAT!!!! a Sable Daughter? are you sure it's a girl!" The Midwife squirrel nodded trembling with fear, The Squirrel queen glared fiercely at her husband and said back. "Yes! and I suppose ye want tae kill her too ye ken! weel now! ye aren't going tae get her too ye ken!" The King stormed out of the room angrily and ignored the Queen and refused to send her any food at all, liitle did he know his wife was very sick and he was killing her. ************************************************ Knock Knock! The King opened the door and saw a Squirrel standing there. "What do you want!" The Squirrel trembled at the sound of the king's voice and stammered out. "It's your wife sir.... she's very sick!" King Altorion took of racing to his wife's tent but too late, She had just died. ******************************************* "Who cares what he thinks of me! He blames me for my mother's death, brother, but loves you and Roy more than me! all because I'm sable!" Ardilla Romano stormed around the room venting on her brother Antariano. "Ardilla calm down! your fine he will forgive you." Ardilla whirled around at the sound of Roy's voice. "FORGIVE!!!! I'm Thirteen seasons old and he still hates me more than ever!" The Brother's backed out of the room and said good-night. Ardilla laid on her bed and then sprung up, and grabbed her bag and started packing her oldest clothes. Taking off her fine dress she threw on her oldest kilt and blouse and slipped out the door and down the hall and out of the kingdom. ******************************** "There ye are me friends, our past's that we will never forget." Kess and the others went to bed that night each thinking of the horrible past's of Ardilla and Keita.
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Post by Otus Shortwing on Nov 20, 2012 12:02:32 GMT -5
I will grade this chapter late tonight, or else tomorrow. I'm gonna be on the road all the rest of today. Thanksgiving break wooooo. ;D
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Nov 21, 2012 5:48:09 GMT -5
Okay!
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Post by Otus Shortwing on Nov 22, 2012 19:14:02 GMT -5
*sniff sniffle* Poor Keita and Ardilla! I can see why the two are such good friends, they both lost their mothers at a young age.
Watch out for apostrophes. "Pasts" and "brothers" are plural and just mean more than one past and more than one brother, but "past's" means "past is" and "brother's" is a possessive, as in "that is my brother's scone, the scone belonging to my brother."
Good chapter! 14 CCs have been added to your dorm total. Will we ever learn how Keita and Ardilla met? Did they meet in DAB?
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Post by Dartpaw the Shy on Nov 23, 2012 8:32:10 GMT -5
Kendra!! ;D Thank you This is pretty good so far, keep up the good work
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Nov 29, 2012 19:37:55 GMT -5
Chapter 5: A Stranger and Snowsong.
Keita once again was the first one awake, Keita looked around trying to get a good idea of their location. She knew from sights and weather that they were almost there, the weather was cold and icy. Keita had woken up while it was still dark. Nightmares again..... ever since we told Kess and them our stories.... We have had nothing but nightmares. She stared out into the dark, it was quiet and nothing stirred, as the wind hit her she kept on having flashbacks. Painful and hurtful memories, burned into her memory forever. Ardilla stirred behind her, as Ardilla stood up and silently crept up behind her. "Memories again?" Keita nodded and sighed, she had remembered a old friend.... maybe even more than that, he had given her a paw ring and a note before he had gone to the dark gates. He had been stabbed in the back. As her memories slowly faded away, she stood up and said. "Time to go, we still have a lot of tracks to cover and the sun isn't going any slower." Ardilla nodded and set about waking the others up, no too nicely mind, as she crept around waking every beast up Keita thought pleasantly about where they were going and the sights they would probably see..... But then she remembered the rest of the quest and sighed. It seemed everyone wanted her dead nowadays, but that didn't matter. She knew what was right and was going to do it, whether she died or not! Just then a Fox stepped into camp instantly Keita drew her weapon but the Fox raised his paws to show himself friendly. "Morning, nice little setup here." Keita shook her head, this was getting weirder by the minute. " Name's Sekari." Keita nodded and before she knew it they were marching again. Sekari chattering animatedly to Kess who was enjoying it. Keita noticed they were talking now in whispers and she saw them throw a glance in her direction. Sekari waved bye to Kess and came up to walk with her. Ardilla being over protective followed him up front, as they walked he kept on glancing uneasily at Ardilla. Sekari just kept on glancing around, as if he was expecting somebeast to jump out at him. "What's wrong? Scared the tree's are gonna jump on you?" Ardilla harassed him without stop, Sekari was growing more and more uncomfortable as she harassed him. Keita was actually happy that Ardilla was keeping him busy for the time being. Little did any beast know that he was about to turn traitor against Keita. As they walked along Kess was the only one who trusted him and even she wasn't completely sure of him, after all he didn't look the trustable person. He was a black fox with a dark black tunic on with a dark brown pants on with a few daggers on his belt. Sekari noticed that Ardilla whispered to Keita then ran on ahead, Aha!, now is my chance! He quickly ran up to Keita and started whispering to her, Kess watched in wonder as Keita blushed at something. She's awful pretty when she blushes! Sekari thought as he watched her reaction to what he said, just the he heard a noise and he jumped as a equally beautiful arctic vixen stepped out of the woods. "Good Morning, How have you been doing Keita?" Keita waved brightly. "Good morning Snowsong." Snowsong nodded in acknowledge meant and joined the foxes up front and started walking with them. "I myself have been doing very well, I've been coming back to Redwall but thought I might join you?" Keita smiled and nodded, Sekari thought sadly about how the all the maids in the party would be captive..... Excepting that... That Squirrel! she had no right to live for how she treated him. As he thought more about it and then, he had a plan, he was the son of a fox warlord and his father gave him anything he ever wanted... He knew exactly what he wanted, he wanted two new maids..... Their names were Keita and Snowsong the vixens. As he thought evilly about his plan he knew his father would agree certainly. These were the prettiest maids ever, and they were helpless in his paw.
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Post by Otus Shortwing on Nov 29, 2012 21:50:36 GMT -5
It's so sweet to see Ardilla and Keita's relationship. They've been through so much together, and they seem to be the best of friends as a result. The second half of the chapter is chilling; I hope they find Sekari plan out in time. I'm adding 8 CCs to your dorm total for this chapter.
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Nov 30, 2012 7:00:24 GMT -5
It's so sweet to see Ardilla and Keita's relationship. They've been through so much together, and they seem to be the best of friends as a result. The second half of the chapter is chilling; I hope they find Sekari plan out in time. Next Chapters Title In his paws ;D It's a good chapter but a bit sad......
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Jan 6, 2013 7:37:34 GMT -5
Chapter 5: Helpless in his paws, or he so he thought.
As the new day dawned they were up bright and early, Ardilla wanted an early start on the day. The bushes stirred, Ardilla grabbed her dagger. A giggle sounded out from the bushes, Ardilla jumped and moved the bushes and no one was there. The laugh sounded somewhere else, and then it slowly faded away into the mist. Ardilla stared at where the last sound had been heard, puzzled, she returned to camp. Her bafflement clearly showed, when Keita learned of it she giggled too. “Sounds like some one we used to know, a little striped mouse used to do that.” Ardilla slapped her leg and laughed, Gladiola Silvestre. She had done that as a dibbun, she had loved hiding behind stuff and then laughing. Ardilla’s eyes twinkled merrily, and then a slight rustle was heard. Sekari stood there, Keita backed off in fear and stared, he had changed overnight. His eyes were cold, he was smiling wickedly. He had drawn his cutlass, and was approaching them, Ardilla moved to stand protectively in front of Keita. She was unarmed, yet she stood her ground, loyal to her duty of protecting Keita. He charged and swung with the butt of his cutlass, she gasped in pain as it hit her slightly. She swung up at him and hit him directly on the arm. He yelped in pain and attacked again, she dodged. Then his gaze averted, Keita was frozen in spot, he made a movement towards her. Ardilla screamed in rage, she ran at him, he reached out and grabbed Keita and threw her to the ground. He held his sword to her throat, Ardilla cried bitter tears of rage and anger, and she dropped to her knees. She had lost, Keita was a captive, and it was over. He grinned and removed his sword from Keita’s throat, she quickly tried to run but found herself kicked to the ground. He leaned over and picked her up and put her on his back, she kicked and screamed for help, all was not lost. An arrow came out of the bushes, it bore a message. The arrow was black, they knew who it belonged to, and knew the hidden message. It landed right next too Sekari, a haunting, sweet voice rang out. Like that of a ghost of someone he had killed, spoke softly. “Don’t leave; we still have some unfinished business. Last one standing wins.” The haunting voice called out to Sekari, he panicked and motioned to a tree, a heavy, muscular weasel came out. He bound Ardilla quickly; they all but ran away, the voice still calling out. “Sekari….. Sekari! Don’t leave.” As soon as they were out of sight the bushes moved, a small, light weight striped mouse and a older fox stepped out, her darker fur almost black and her lighter fur almost a blond color, she had two leather belts going vertical on her chest, one has her quiver on it. The other has her dirk. The dirk has a hilt with a ruby in it and her bow is a black color and her arrow tips are golden. She was wearing a short jean skirt and a red shirt, also two hoop earrings and a bandanna across her arm and a locket with a flower pattern on it. Gladiola Silvestre the archer had come to the forest. She looked down the path, worry was written on her face. The black older lady fox nodded at Gladiola, who turned back to the forest, she knew what to do. Back at camp, they had gotten up, Kess looked around puzzled, where was Keita and Ardilla. They couldn’t have abandoned them, they wouldn’t! Or would they? Kess was almost positive Keita wouldn’t abandon them, the bushes rustled; she turned to greet the missing pair and gasped. She dropped the stuff she was carrying and her knees shook with fear, everyone turned to look they all stopped too. A tall young weasel stood there, he grinned at Kess, he made as if to approach her. Fishtail and Kendra jumped in first, then the weasel motioned behind him and the rest of the army came out, then the rest of the group jumped into the fray. Kess saw the weasel coming towards her; a strange glint in his eyes, fear prickled her back. She tuned and ran to hide, she heard him following, and he was mumbling something. He passed her tent that she was hiding. She just sat there; not knowing what would happen if he caught her, she heard him close, then a paw came out of the dark and clamped around her mouth. She struggled and then looked; it was a mouse, not even out of her youth just entering. She was a very pretty mouse, in her hand she held a bow clamped, it was what caught Kess’s attention was it was painted black. Gladiola motioned for the other mouse to follow, Kess followed willingly. They slipped out of camp, then, they ran. They ran until they were well away, Kess was eager to get to know this other mouse. “I’m Kess. Who are you?” The striped mouse looked at her, eyes all filled with worry. “Gladiola Silvestre. Do you know what would have happened if he had caught you? Not might have, would have,” Kess shook her head. “I don’t even want to talk about it, he may have looked friendly. You most likely would not have lived.” Kess stared in horror, Gladiola motioned to her again. Just then a black vixen in a pretty brown dress with a broad sword waved for them to follow, and they did. Keita wouldn’t look at anyone and kept her eyes on the ground, as if there was anything there but dirt and grass. “He is the prince, or did he not tell you. I see he did not.” She looked across at Sekari conversing with his father, he smiled and nodded at his father. He walked across the ground the short distance to Keita; he smiled at her and grabbed her paw roughly. She cried out in pain, Ardilla jumped up and tried to jump on Sekari, she was knocked down and beaten again. He smiled and then grabbed Keita and twisted her paw behind her back; she anger and rage as she walked along with him. As they approached the tent, she knew he was going to make life miserable for her. He pushed her into the tent; he walked in and sat down. “Go to the kitchens and get some food, I’m hungry.” She nodded, and then he thought of something, he tripped her and said softly. “I’ll ask some other slave.” He stuck his head out the tent and barked out sharp orders to another slave. The slave scurried off fast; he turned back in the tent and saw Keita on the ground picking her self up. She did it slowly; she gently brushed off her fur. Then a noise sounded at the tent flap, he opened it slightly, it was a soldier. “Your father wants to see you, sir. Oh, and don’t forget the pretty vixen too.” Sekari nodded, he grabbed her and yanked her up, she growled low at him. He looked at her interested, her face was dusty and she had such an air around her, he wondered if he should stop yanking her around. As they neared his father’s tent, the young prince announced himself, he was admitted in. His father turned, he looked directly at Keita, her blue eyes stared back at him. He shook his head slowly. “Sekari, you might wish to know this now. Ardilla, well, she is a princess. Her father, I knew him very well. And she seems familiar.” Sekari quickly remembered something, his eyes grew wide with a quick fear then corrected his face, no-one knew not even his “father” something, He was adopted, now he knew why Keita looked like his mother, what he could remember. “May I go now father?” His father nodded and Sekari left, he looked around carefully, then he grabbed Keita and ran out behind the tents. He looked at her straight in the eye. “Keita, I’m sorry, I’m going to try to rescue all your friends from the various places, I had them scattered. I’m going to let them go.” Keita remembered faintly a distant memory, of her a kit playing a game with a black kit, and faintly remembered a sweet voice calling. “Sekari! Keita! Time to come in, my darlings.” And then she realized and broke for the first time in years, she cried, it was her brother. _____________________________________________
Oh wow, it's been so long since I worked on this last. And posted last.
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Post by Kerrin Clearloch on Jan 8, 2013 10:43:00 GMT -5
Again overall, very nice work. Ardilla’s and Keita’s attitudes come across very well during the capture and imprisonment. I had a few questions about, for example, if the rest of Keita’s party (Fishtail, Kendra) fought the army or got captured, since we don’t hear much about them. Also, (this is just my impression) I’m a little puzzled as to how Sekari changed from a wicked enemy into someone Keita would hug just because he learnt she was a princess... is there something else behind this radical change of character? I was imagining Keita being a little more cautious with someone who had already betrayed her once. As a tip to improve your flow, try using alternative words such as “the black squirrel” or “the foxmaid” or “the young dog-fox” to avoid having to use the characters’ names all the time. You do a great job describing your characters and their emotions; keep writing! I’m awarding you 10 CCs on this one.
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Jan 8, 2013 12:28:08 GMT -5
It isn't Keita being a princess, that changes Sekari. It is interesting how this next chapter is going to be, bringing out who Sekari is and getting all the others together.
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Post by Keita Swiftfoot on Sept 1, 2013 13:09:06 GMT -5
Wow... It's been ages since I posted last, I lost my computer so my stories are gone too, just a hint. Sekari is not related to his "father" as he says, but is related to Keita.
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Post by Otus Shortwing on Sept 1, 2013 13:11:41 GMT -5
If you'd like I can move this thread out of the archives and into the new activity wall. Just let me know.
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